Taking the Plunge (Trigger Warning)

 

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to stand in a high place and get that strong urge to just jump? The feeling is strange. In some ways I sympathise with the moth that is attracted to the flame of a candle. Surely it must understand that getting too close to the fire will burn it. But it chooses to ignore the nagging voice in its head and take the plunge.

“Take the plunge… Jump…. Go… It’s not like you matter anyway… No one’s going to miss you…” The whispers in my head are incessant. It doesn’t matter if I know it’s wrong. Its constant encouragement is quite nice. But suddenly the thought of my best friend comes to my head. I put my foot down. Walk away from the edge. “It’s not true.” I say to myself. “She will miss you. She cares….”

One day I considered it. I was texting my two best friends then. It was her and Esth. They pleaded with me to stop. I looked at the ground. So close yet so far away. I imagined my head split open on the concrete. The blood running out of my skull in rivulets of red only to pool into a red sticky halo around my head. The old lady across from that building would see me. She was always polite to me. You know, the neighbourly polite… She would see me. When she’d come out to see why the security guard was shouting. They’d hurry to call my parents… The dogs who loved me would watch from afar, smelling their favourite person but not being allowed to go and see her. They would be confused I suppose. But they would smell the blood wouldn’t they? Would they know? Would the understand?  I put my foot down. Walk away from the edge. “It’s not gonna work.” I say to myself. “It’s not gonna be of any use.

“What’s the worst that I can say? Things are better if I stay. So long and goodnight, so long and goodnight…” My Chemical Romance’s Gerard Way sang into my ear. His voice calms me down. It stops me from doing stupid things like climbing up to the terrace and jumping. He teaches me that it’s okay to be a little messed up. Because it’s beautiful… It’s okay to not be okay. It’s alright to not want to talk to people. It’s alright to not be perfect. He wasn’t perfect. The rest of the band had problems. But it does get better. He tells me this. His words somehow resonate with me. I put my foot down. Walk away from the edge. The song changes. “I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone.”